Blueprint Change: Questioning whether I want to apply to grad (PA) school right now

An Interview with Sylvia Kim

The Basics

Age: 23

Location: Beaverton, OR

Current occupation: Physical Therapy Aide at a clinic in Sherwood (part-time)

Last school attended: Willamette University

Biggest and/or most recent Blueprint Change that has occurred*: Questioning whether I want to apply to grad (PA) school right now

*A decision you made or something that happened largely or completely out of your control

Past

Could you elaborate on your biggest and/or most recent Blueprint Change?

I think for me the biggest change wasn’t necessarily applying to grad school, because I always knew that I wanted to do that and have planned on doing that, but the biggest change was questioning whether I want to do that right now.

I’ve always thought, “Oh yea, this would be a great opportunity for me to get out and do something different”, but I don’t know…I am just questioning that part of it. For me, that’s the biggest change, especially since I’ve been working towards this goal for the past 3 years...4 years. [That’s the biggest change], at least in terms of what I’m doing with my life.

Also, my sister moving away was a big change for me – just in everyday life sense. She used to be at home…she was here and I saw her every day and this is by far the farthest that we’ve been away from each other and the longest that we’ve gone without seeing each other.

What motivated your Blueprint Change (about refiguring out what you want to do right now)?

Well, now that my sister has moved, I’ve had a lot more time to myself and I’ve just had a lot more time to think about [if I want to go to PA school right now]. And then also, my friends around me – they are kind of in a similar situation, so it’s hard not to think about it too…think about what I want to do. My friends are also in a similar situation, where they are thinking, “This is not what I want to do….whatever they are doing right now…so where do I go from here?”

I think I’ve reached a point of realization that I might be a little bit over my head in terms of going to PA school and doing that. It’s a lot of work, and I reflected on that and realized that I probably need a few more years before I applied to schools. But it’s what I thought I was supposed to do…what I had planned on doing. Whether or not I’m actually ready for that, I don’t know.

What has been the most challenging part of this change and how have you adapted?

I am comfortable with [the change] and comfortable re-evaluating it, but I think the hardest part is telling other people…like my friends and my family...that I don’t know if I want to [apply to PA school right now]. I haven’t told my mom, which is really scary. We’ve talked about what my options would be if I don’t get into schools, but we haven’t really talked about this. I haven’t even talked to my sister about this. I’ve definitely talked to my friends about it, but there are just people in my life who know what I’ve been going through these past years to get to grad school…and it’s just like I now need to tell them, “I don’t know if I want to do this.” I know that people would be receptive… I know that they wouldn’t be like “Oh, that’s awful”… I know that they would understand…and I know that they would be supportive about it, but telling people makes it seem more real. Like, “Oh shoot, this is actually what I’m doing.” Yea, I think the hardest part is telling people who have helped me get to where I am and telling them, “Actually, yea…I might not do this right now.”

I have made [more of an effort to tell more people] though. I’ve told my closest friends, but I think I’m still kind of jumbling through my thoughts and what I want to do. I think that’s why I’m waiting to talk to my mom and my sister about it. I want to have a plan…or somewhat of a plan…

…so adapting to that…I think that it’s just me…I need to jumble through my thoughts…and then I need to tell [my mom and my sister]…slowly integrate it or enter it into a conversation. I think telling my closest friends has helped me tell other people, because after talking to them about it and seeing their responses, it’s like, “Okay. This is okay.” So I think that has helped me talk about it more.

Present

How do you feel about your Blueprint Change now?

I mean, it kind of depends on what day; it’s a mix of emotions. I think it’s absolutely terrifying, but I think that’s just because it’s the unknown...that’s scary for a lot of people…it’s definitely scary for me. But it’s also kind of exciting, because I’m trying to see what I’m going to do.

It’s definitely a scary point in my life, because it’s the first time where I don’t have a plan, where I don’t know. I’m not exactly sure where my life is going to look like in 2 years, 3 years. It’s a little bit of a weird point.

And in the realm of changes in general - what are some Blueprint Changes you are most proud of?

I think graduating college was a big deal. It was definitely a milestone…it was a long four years, so I’m definitely proud of that and having a degree.

And one change that I’ve made this year has been to invest and put time into personal relationships. I was the kind of person who has always been like, “Okay, I’m going to figure out my life, figure out my career…do that portion of it first and then everything else will just follow.” You know, the social part, the romantic part…I always thought that that stuff will just happen, so I can do the other stuff first.

But now, I really feel that investing in a social life or a personal life is important. It’s something that I never really put a lot of effort and time into and it’s kind of nice to do that now. I know that there’s definitely a balance between putting time in and putting too much time in where you aren’t doing other stuff that you should be doing, so I’m still trying to figure out that balance. But yea, this change is one that I’m really proud of. Because I never really had the mentality of putting time into this.

If you feel overwhelmed with change(s) now, how do you adapt?

Change is really hard for me, because I like knowing what is going to happen. I am very much that person where – if I’m playing a trivia game, I need to know the answer. There is an odd number of people who are okay not knowing the answers, but I would want to be the person asking the questions, because I would want to know the answers. That’s why I think change is really weird for me.

How do I cope with that?...I think talking to people that I’m close to about what I’m thinking helps. I get really stuck in my head and go in circles about what’s going on in my life, and so bouncing my thoughts off on other people helps. Just hearing their perspectives and their views.

I am not really good about doing that, but I never regret it when I do. I think that ultimately helps. I am the kind of person who’ll be like, “Oh, I can figure it out…I can handle this…I will figure out how to fix this.” I very much try to self-manage and that’s not always the best, so I’m trying to get better about getting feedback from people. Like, “What do you think about this?” Otherwise, I get lost in my own head and lose perspective.

Future

What sorts of Blueprint Changes would like to see happen in the future and why?

Um…being in a committed relationship would be nice. Also, one Blueprint Change that I’m figuring out is that…I’ve always  thought that I wanted kids...like, “Oh yea, I definitely want kids”…but now I’m like, “I really need to think about this…this is a really big thing…having kids is a really big deal…you are responsible for another human being and raising that human being.” At the end of the day, I do think that I want kids though, so hopefully I’ll have kids somewhere down the road. Well, be married and have a kid...it would be nice to have it in that order at least, but you never know.

Hopefully at that point, I will have figured out my life too. And have some stability, have determined what I want to do, what I’m passionate about, what I wake up in the morning for. I don’t know...I’m excited for it, but that’s kind of what I would want to see. Just to be happy, goodness gracious, is all I want.

What are you most looking forward to in the time between now and year end?

One thing that I want to do is be more independent this year. I’m still living at home, which is fine…living with my mom is very economical…but this year I want to move out and be independent and have my own life. That’s something that I definitely want to do this year.

And I’ll be in a wedding, which will be exciting and fun! Another weird thing…getting married.

And yea, we’re in our twenties…I’m almost 24 and it’s a good age to do things. We are only young once, so I want to go out and do more things. Go out there and go on some adventures. It doesn’t need to be road trips or travel. I mean, I would love to go to DC and see you and my sister, but even just adventures here. It doesn’t have to be anything big. An adventure…that would be nice. That’s what I want.

Could you share a piece of advice from your experiences (e.g. something that you thought about a lot during changes)?

At least for me, I think that you need to take care of yourself first. That sounds selfish, but I think that’s important. I am the kind of person that just wants to take care of everyone else, do things for everyone else and, at the end of the day, it’s kind of a disservice. I think you need to help yourself before you can help others. Don’t put yourself at #5 on your list of priorities, because you’ll be really unhappy if you do that.

In my life…in my blueprint…I feel like I’ve done things – or have aspired to do things – not 100% for myself…part of it for other people…for my mom, for my sister…and I realized that maybe I need to do something for myself… [do something] because I want to do it 100%.

…And hopefully [you can] have some fun too, while you’re figuring things out. 


Thanks so much, Sylvia!