Blueprint Change: Learning to build a positive relationship with my dad

An Anonymous Interview

The Basics

Age: 24

Location: Portland, OR

Current occupation: Research Assistant

Last school attended: John Hopkins University

Biggest and/or most recent Blueprint Change*: Learning to build a positive relationship with my dad

*A decision you made or something that happened largely or completely out of your control 

 

Past

Could you elaborate on your biggest and/or most recent Blueprint Change?

My relationship with my dad had always been very stagnant [and not very positive]. And I never wanted to work on my relationship with my dad. It was just something that I thought was fixed. I thought that the blueprint was done – like that’s all my relationship with my dad will be.

Obviously though, as we grow older, we change. [So while I was away at college], he and I both changed and it was interesting being away for four, five years and then coming back and living at home with him again. We had this gap; there was this big disconnect between who we had become and what our blueprint said we were. It was really easy to just continue to stay stagnant and refer back to the old blueprint and live that way – where we were very passive aggressive to each other – [but now I’m revising the old blueprint].

What motivated this change?

I can’t really explain what happened, but it began with some typical argument over something very stupid, very small. It was similar to one of those things where our parents will tell us to get a jacket if we are going out, because it’s cold outside. They will just tell us to do that. But it’s like, “I’m 24. If I think I need a jacket, I will get a jacket”.

It was a very stupid thing like that. And the core of what he was saying was coming from a place of caring – just him being a father and loving. But – to me – it sounded condescending and sort of unnecessary. So he pushed one of those buttons and got me angry. Then, it escalated and blew up into something bigger. A lot of things from the past came out. The spark was that specific argument where a lot of history and back story was brought into the small situation; we magnified it and made it bigger than what the initial argument was about.

…which was good, because we realized that there were these issues that we both had. And I think, at that point, I realized how stupid the situation and the argument that we were having was. Yea, we all have these flaws and things that we want to change about ourselves or our relationships or what not, but, at a certain point, it’s healthy for us – or me – to laugh at myself. To help me put things in perspective. So I was re-hashing the situation in my mind and kind of laughing at how absurd the initial argument was and how it escalated like that. I realized at that point that I didn’t want to be mad, [didn’t want to] have this anger towards my dad. I guess that is the goal now. Plain and simple: I don’t want to be mad at my dad.

And I don’t want to hold these things from the past against him, because they are not that big of a deal if I put it in perspective. They have shaped who I am today, whether that’s good or bad. I am who I am partially because of him. [Our relationship] is not the best right now, but it’s a work in progress.

What was the most challenging part of this change and how did you adapt?

It’s true when you say that things are changing constantly, so it’s sort of a continuous challenge. Every day is a challenge. I’m not at this perfect point yet.

I think the challenge was getting over the fact that this will be a life-long process. Getting over the idea that this wasn’t something that I’d be able to fix in a weekend or even a week or a year even. This could be a lifelong thing where he and I try to better understand each other. Because obviously we are going to change over time too, go through different life situations. We are going to become different people and will have to continuously adapt to that. So yea, the challenge was admitting that to myself, so that I can have the right expectation to realize that it will be a long-term type of adapting.

Present

How do you feel about your Blueprint Change now?

I think, overall, it’s been positive. I think currently – like literally right now – it hasn’t been on my mind. I haven’t really been active in trying to mend the relationship; I’ve sort of been a little more passive about it. And it hasn’t been on my mind as it was when all of this first went down about a month ago.

But at the same time, I like the direction. I like where it’s at. I’m realizing now that it’s not necessarily what I do in the relationship, but more about how I can change my perspective to understand my dad more. Rather than thinking about the next step I can do or how I can act better, I should make it less about myself and more about understanding who my dad is on an emotional level. In that way, it’s pretty cool, because I can catch myself when I have an illogical perspective or mindset about something that my dad is doing. I catch myself in those moments.

And in the realm of changes in general - what are some Blueprint Changes you are most proud of?

Getting into med school – finally deciding and committing to UW – is [something that I’m proud of]. And everything that surrounds that. Finding a place to live and all that. Just committing to all that is a good thing that I’m proud of. I’m kind of surprised that I’m in this position, so I feel really blessed and lucky to be in this position.

Also, I decided to go with the Navy scholarship. I just signed my papers this week and I’m technically in the Navy right now. Still hasn’t really hit me, but I’m proud of that.

Just in terms of creativity-wise, one of the changes that I’ve been trying to make [is something that I’m proud of too]. I’ve always been creative or tried to be creative, in the terms of music and guitar and singing and recording and writing songs and poetry and all that stuff. So I’m expanding that more and doing rather than just saying that I will do them. For instance, I am trying to get into screen writing as a hobby, so I’ve been trying to make short films. I bought a camera and have been learning how to use it, learning photography and cinematography. I wrote a short script and am working on another one already. It’s really fun to expand that creative part of myself. I’ve always felt like I’ve had that artist inside me. So yea, I’m proud of that.

If you feel overwhelmed with change(s) now, how do you adapt?

I think it’s all about expectations. I think it’s very simple, but one of the biggest expectations that I have to set for myself is that I will fail at certain things and I will have to adapt. And things are going to change. Just coming to grips with that and learning to accept that and expect that helps me to just lay the foundation to adapt.

Because I’m already waiting for it – I’m waiting to fail. I’m waiting to make a bad short film so I can understand how to make a good one. I know that I will be bad at it for awhile. I understand that I’ll fail with my dad a lot and I’ll still get mad at him and those feelings will pop-up once in a while. But I just need to take a step back and understand that this is part of the process. That makes it worth it in the end. And helps me to push through.

Future

What sorts of Blueprint Changes would like to see happen in the future and why?

I think I can sometimes be kind of selfish with my time or resources – a lot of it is time – and one of the changes that I’d love to continue to make is to learn how to use my time and money and resources and talents for my community. Whether it’s for my immediate community like my family and friends or a larger community in whatever area I’m in, like Portland – or Seattle, where I will be soon. I know that I will be bogged down with a lot of things such as a career and all that, but I don’t want to lose sight of that larger community and how I can serve that community better.

What are you most looking forward to in the time between now and year end?

Starting med school, moving up to Seattle, getting acclimated to a new situation – I’m excited for that. I’m excited for the people I’ll meet – I’m really excited for that – trying to make some lifelong friends. I think those are the biggest things.

Could you share a piece of advice from your experiences (e.g. something that you thought about a lot during changes)?

Beating yourself up for failing at a change or failing to adapt – failure in general – is an appropriate response, but it can only get you so far. I think it’s a good motivator, but it can’t be the only motivator. You need to have a motivation other than getting out of beating yourself up.

You need to realize that, at a certain point, you can’t keep beating yourself up. You need to find other ways – that’s the hardest part – to cope with the failure and keep moving on.

Thank you so much for your time!