Blueprint Change: Learning that my mom had terminal cancer

An Interview with Sam

The Basics

Age: 24

Location: Portland, OR

Current occupation: Engineer

Last school attended: University of Oregon

Biggest and/or most recent Blueprint Change*: Learning that my mom had terminal cancer

*A decision you made or something that happened largely or completely out of your control

Past

Could you elaborate on your Blueprint Change?

A number of years ago, my family and I learned that my mom had cancer. This was many years ago, but I think that Blueprint Changes have been occurring since then; as her health changes, many other changes kind of follow.

There were a lot of different changes. There were ones that we were expecting – like her health not being what it used to be, having to deal with doctors and having to think twice about certain activities – and there were others that caught us off guard, like for the first time in my siblings’ and my life we were put in a position of care-giving. It was kind of trying, because that’s something that is hard at any age, but particularly at a young age. Just because I grew up thinking that my parents were invincible. That they would take care of me. That I’ll fight with them, but that’s okay, because there’s time to make up for it and things like that. But then, all of that shifted.

I know it was hard for her too to suddenly be in a position where she was being taken care of. I can’t imagine what that feels like as a parent – to not be able to parent the way that you used to, to suddenly not be sure of what you would see your child develop into, and how long you would see your child build their lives. Being in a position where you suddenly see your parents vulnerable, see them sick, and see them unsure of whether things would be okay was really different. I feel like, for a lot of my life, my parents were the ones that comforted me and told me that things would be okay. And, for the first time, none of us were really sure. That was a big change and our family dynamics kind of changed too.

I think families can be close in a lot of different ways, and for us, being close meant spending time with each other, going on road trips, sharing traditions and things like that. [It wasn’t about] being emotionally transparent and being vocal about what we felt towards each other. That kind of changed after she had cancer though, because suddenly, we had to understand how she was feeling and we had to understand each other when we were feeling scared or frustrated or angry. That was really hard, because I don’t think any of us were really used to talking about our feelings with each other in that way.

This Blueprint Change was something that happened out of your control, but do you think it happened for a reason?

You know, I debate this with my friends sometimes and some believe that everything happens for a reason. There’s a purpose for this happening. Something is going to come out of it. And I totally respect that, which is why we continue to debate this. But I don’t know. I personally think that it happened just because it happened. All I can really do is respond to it. Responses can lead to good changes or bad changes, but I don’t think it’s necessarily happening so that something valuable or whole can come out of it. 

What was the most challenging part of this change and how did you adapt?

I think the most challenging part I’m going through right now is understanding that change can be good, but that change can also be hurtful. And have negative effects. And currently, a hard part for me has been to understand that that is completely okay.

There’s this book called The Summer We Got Free and the author talks about how after difficult events or adversity, we sometimes develop these shields or traits that protect us and keep us safe. And in that moment, that’s what’s necessary. But once we get through whatever we are facing, sometimes it’s time to let go of those shields and habits. [It’s a] valid process and a lot of the book was saying that it’s okay to have these things – this baggage that you eventually need to let go of.

That was really hard for me to understand, because – in adapting to the fact that [my mom] had cancer – I had developed a lot of not-so-favorable things. I became very apathetic towards things, really reserved. And I think, in that moment when times were particularly rough, those things were necessary, because I had to not care so much about school or going out with friends or extravagant plans for the future; I had family to focus on. But now that things are kind of stable, I’m in a position where I’m like, “I don’t really like some of these traits that I've developed. I don’t need to be so apathetic and detached anymore. I don’t need to be so closed off.” So, [it’s been a challenge to understand that] 1.) It’s okay that I developed these things, and I don’t need to be angry at myself and 2.) That it’s okay to go through a process where we let go of some of these things that we no longer need. It doesn't mean I mishandled things, it just means I don't need those parts of me anymore to handle things today. 

Present

How do you feel about your Blueprint Change now?

A lot of things have changed. And even though I talked about some of these negative things, I think – overall – the change has also had positive effects. [For example], our family operates a little differently now. It’s a lot easier now to be open with each other, to talk with each other. And it’s cool, because it showed me that, when change happens and when you’re not happy about it – like when you learn that someone has cancer and it’s a difficult thing to deal with – that things don’t necessarily have to go back to what they were before in order to be okay.

For a long time, I tried to have our family be back to what it was before we found out that [my mom] had cancer. [I wanted to] continue doing some of the same activities or bond in the same way, and I think that was because it was my only frame of what happiness was.  But now it’s like, “No, our family looks completely different and different isn't necessarily bad. It’s just different. And it’s working.” I think a lot of that meant finding victory in new places. We can’t hike to the top of Multnomah Falls anymore, no matter how healthy we try to eat or how many exercises we go through with her, and that sucks, but we can still have triumphant weekends. Maybe we go to the Saturday Market and she walks through the whole thing, or maybe we go see a movie and she stays awake through it all (okay, that hasn't happened yet, but I’m optimistic). We celebrate and acknowledge things that would have seemed “small” or silly ten years ago, and I appreciate that now. It's definitely added more humor to our lives. 

I’m really happy with how our family is right now and I know that things are most likely going to get worse one day and it’s going to suck all over again, but, at the same time, I think we have a better understanding of how to handle it or how to process it together.

And in the realm of changes in general - what are some Blueprint Changes you are most proud of?

In terms of changes that I have had more control over – a change that I’m proud of is deciding to come out. I'm not just proud of saying the words, “Yes, I’m queer,” but all the internal changes that took place in order to arrive at that position and all the changes that continue to occur to maintain it.

I've had to learn to be more in-tune with myself. I've had to learn to take the time to analyze which parts of me are “me,” and which parts were fabricated/forced in order to be read as straight. And that process has been kind of empowering. 

I especially had to learn to stop caring as much about how I make other people feel or the effect I have on other people. I think one of my biggest weaknesses is always trying to manage how people feel around me and with this Blueprint Change I've had to tell myself, “If they are uncomfortable or I’m making them uncomfortable, there’s only so much I can do. Part of that is on them and I kind of just need to trust that people will be willing to make the effort to work through whatever discomfort they have. I can’t just always be the one making things work.”

 

If you feel overwhelmed with change(s) now, how do you adapt?

In terms of tools, I think writing helps a lot. I started writing pretty much around the time that I learned that my mom had cancer. It wasn't necessarily a way to cope then; it was just that I happened to pick up writing then.

It kind of surprises me when I go back to look at the things I wrote. It helps me give credit to myself. Like, “Wow, I was working through a lot of things.” I think a lot of times as I’m writing, I have this internal dialogue going on in my head saying, “Future Me is going to be so embarrassed by what current Me is writing now.” But looking back, none of it is really embarrassing. Usually I think, “Oh yeah, I remember when ___ was such a big issue, or when I felt really scared about ___, and now we've gotten through it, or now it’s much more manageable." It’s nice to have that reminder of our resilience.

Also, another thing that I've learned to do is not anticipate how things are going to turn out based on my initial reaction. A lot of times with this change, we may get news that the cancer spread or we get news that [my mom] is going to need a certain operation and, a lot of the time, my initial reaction is to feel like the world is falling apart all over again. I've learned to not necessarily trust those initial “gut feelings”. Sometimes, it’s okay to feel those in the moment, but it’s not necessarily an indicator of how the rest of the events will turn out.

Future

What sorts of Blueprint Changes would like to see happen in the future and why?

The foremost Blueprint Change I’d like to see is moving on from my job. I've been there long enough to know that it’s not something that feeds me and it’s not something that I want to do long-term. It’s not even a field that I want to stay in long-term. The grad program I went through involved a 9-month internship with a company and the intent of the program was to get students immersed in industry and turn the internship into a full-time job. I was really hesitant to complete the program because engineering is not my passion and I was afraid that if I went through the program, I would get propelled into the industry and remain there out of comfort/convenience. It’s funny now because that’s exactly what’s happened. 

It’s been nearly 2 years and I’m still stuck in this job. I think it’s reassuring to know that my “worst fear” about a situation can come true and it’s not the end of the world. I think now that I've accepted the fact that things aren't really working out, and that it’s okay that I probably could have made a better decision than to go through with the grad program, I’m ready to start looking for something else.

What are you most looking forward to in the time between now and year end?

Something that I’m looking forward to is seeing what I do with what I've learned from my Blueprint Changes. Going back to what I mentioned earlier, now that I realize some of the not-so-favorable habits and qualities that I've developed, I’m looking forward to consciously changing some of those habits. [The year] 2014 – I don’t know what it is or if other people can feel this too – but I think it’s been kind of a unique year. Maybe it’s because 2 years have now passed since graduating undergrad, but I think it’s a year of stepping back and being like, “Okay, let’s see where we want to rebuild, where we want to go from here.” And that’s in terms of a lot of things: family, identity, jobs, relationships. I’m excited to see how the end of the year unfolds now that I’m starting to own my life a little more.

Could you share a piece of advice from your experiences (e.g. something that you thought about a lot during changes)?

So there was the Blueprint Change that was out of my control – learning that my mom had cancer – and the Blueprint Change that was in my control – deciding to come out. I think something that I struggled with in both cases was learning to be patient with myself and to forgive myself.

When changes happen, it’s hard and, as we learn to cope with those changes and react to those changes, we sometimes make mistakes. Sometimes I get frustrated, because I’m not handling the change like I should be. I feel like I’m not enough, how I’m handling it is not enough. [I think], “If so-and-so were in my shoes, they would handle it this way, and they would be so much better at it.” 

And so, I think [it’s important] to just be patient with myself. It’s okay that I’m struggling through this. It doesn't mean that I’m being a bad daughter or bad at owning my queer identity. It just means that I’m going through this on my own terms. And sure, I might be handling it differently, but it doesn't necessarily mean that I’m doing anything wrong. I think it’s just being patient with myself and forgiving myself for not figuring things out right away and not figuring it out in the same way that other people are figuring it out.

Thank you so much for sharing, Sam! I know it took a lot of guts and I think it's amazing that you were able to talk so openly and honestly!