Blueprint Change: Learning to be single again and transitioning back to school

An Interview with Grace

The Basics

Age: 24

Location: Bethesda, MD

Current Occupation: Postbaccalaureate IRTA Fellow

Last School Attended: West Coast State School

Biggest and/or Most Recent Blueprint Change*: Learning to be single again and transitioning back to school

*A decision you made or something that happened largely or completely out of your control 

Past

Could you elaborate on your biggest and/or most recent Blueprint Change?

I was recently in a relationship that has now ended, for what I think is for good. Yes, my heart was broken. Let’s face it: breaking up and ending a relationship sucks for anyone, for lack of a better and more encompassing term. The relationship was “official” for about 8 months, but then “unofficially” went on for another 8 months or so. Transitioning back to single life has been difficult; admittedly I was the one who got dumped, and I didn’t want whatever unofficial relationship we had to end at that time. I’ve moved every 2 years for the past 8 years, and since then have found it difficult to find persons I can truly trust and confide in. There are only a handful from both high school and college that I feel the need to keep in touch with now, and who have done the same for me. Having someone that I could so easily talk to everyday without hesitation is by far one of the biggest comforts I miss of a relationship.

Besides this, I have been applying to MD/PhD programs for the past year and while I am 99% sure of where I’ll be for the next 8 years, it is not fully finalized because I am on a few waitlists for schools I still have an interest in. Either way, after 2 years at the NIH I am finally moving and starting a new chapter of both my life and education, in something I never envisioned for myself a few years ago.

What motivated your Blueprint Change?

As I said, I was the one who was dumped. Looking back on it though, I am relieved that we are finally not in a vague, grey area of what kind of relationship it was and the realistic side of me didn’t see the relationship progressing the way I wanted it to. At some point or another I would have wanted it to end.

Applying to MD/PhD programs and deciding to pursue a career as a physician was a bit of a surprise for me. I started college not really wanting to become a physician, but most of that was because I just didn’t want to be another crazed and competitive pre-medical undergraduate. And now I don’t see any other career that has the potential and capacity to really combine all of my interests and goals, not necessarily just in a career sense but in personal fulfillment.

Present

How do you feel about your Blueprint Change now?

On the relationship, I’m still tossing and turning over it, I admit. I’m a HUGE analyzer. I want to analyze every little detail of every little instance. Then I want to blame myself for it all, because I’ll somehow twist my analysis so that I am responsible for whatever bad result. It was a long distance relationship from the beginning and the question of where I would end up relocating for medical school was a lingering question all throughout our relationship. It’s amazing to me how everything is so much clearer in hindsight. At the risk of sounding cliché, I realize now - looking back on the way he has been handling our situation – that I deserve better. 

I was a late bloomer. This was actually my first relationship, serious or otherwise, and part of me will always still love him and the fond memories. I’m more grateful though of how much I’ve learned from the relationship; about myself especially and what I want in life and from other people, in any sort of relationship. I’m proud of myself for how unarguably good of a girlfriend I was, and I’m now more aware of things I want to work on for me, not for others. I have never been one of those girls who fantasized about her wedding day, or has the types of flowers picked out for her bouquet, who would be the bridesmaids, and whether it’d be rustic or modern. Before I started dating this guy, I had envisioned myself as someone who would never get married. I’ve always prided myself on being extremely independent, and when people said their biggest fear in life was dying alone, I would scoff in my head. Post-breakup, I can still envision myself as that independent woman, without a partner and happy with her life choices. At the same time though, I can also see myself having a person to share my life with. I don’t find the fact that I would like to have a life partner as nauseating, and I know that even if I’d like that I can still be my independent self.

I’m both petrified and enthusiastically ready to start medical school. I’m petrified because as you probably know, medical school is really hard! In the back of my mind, imposter syndrome is kicking in and saying it’s impossible I was accepted and will fail miserably. I also don’t know anyone where I’ll attend medical school, so that independence will really need to kick in when I need it the most. At the same time, I’m so excited to finally get on with life, after what has felt like constant transitions for the past few years. To finally be able to settle into a new place for more than 2 years is such a relief. The chance to really dive into the medical field and become a part of the profession is an opportunity I’m so grateful for.

And in the realm of changes in general, what are some Blueprint Changes you are most proud of?

For one, I am proud of feeling this way post-breakup so soon. I still have those days where I’m at my worst and all I want to do is sit in bed and self-pity. My honest self knows though everything will be okay and it’s not my fault. Relationships happen, sometimes they last, and sometimes they don’t. I’ve been getting back into hobbies that I gave up a little to make time for the relationship, like music. NPR is always on in my car, and I tend to listen to podcasts when I work, so the first time I had really sat down and just listened to music after the breakup, it had been a couple months. The overwhelming emotions that crept up was crazy, and I instantly became overjoyed to be listening to a melody and harmony again. It’s been nice to get back into things that I put aside.

Otherwise, I was accepted into an MD/PhD program and I am proud of that accomplishment. It was almost a year ago that I submitted my AMCAS and the entire process of submitting applications and interviewing has been a really insightful experience despite all the stress and monetary costs. I’m so happy I came to this decision to become a physician and pursue a dual degree program when it wasn’t my very first goal entering college. I feel like I found this path on my own, after trying a few back roads first.

Little things also that I don’t necessarily self-reflect about so much: being a better cook and eating healthier, reading more nonfiction, keeping up with Duolingo… just conscious actions that have turned into daily habits.

If you feel overwhelmed with change(s) now, how do you adapt?

I have always been big on perspective and humility. A breakup is difficult, but there are far worse things happening in the world. I won’t get to be back on the west coast for some time, but I get to enter an extremely rewarding profession and experience living in the NE. I try to not think of my problems and changes as the most difficult. I’ve also moved every 2 years since the middle of high school, so adapting to changes whether it be in location, people, or surrounding philosophies, has become something I’ve had to deal with constantly, or else I would just end up being a bitter person. Nothing in life is really permanent. It’s a bit weird, but reading depressing books has always helped me. It sounds horrible, because it’s like I’m using someone else’s tragedies to create my own happiness. I read a lot of Jonathan Kozol though, and his stories of educational inequality and homelessness always make me realize how much I have to be grateful for. Right now I’m reading The Emperor of All Maladies, and it’s such a clear reminder for me of the bigger picture, outside of my own daily reality.

Future

What sorts of Blueprint Changes would you like to see happen in the future and why?

I want to build a strong but flexible backbone, both literally and figuratively. Like I said before, I tend to take responsibility. In lab, I end up doing a lot that isn’t part of my job description, even though I know I shouldn’t. I want to work on preventing people from walking all over me, because I know that will be detrimental in medical school. In any relationship romantic or not, I want to try and not let so many things slide as much as I feel like I did previously. At the same time, I know I can be a bit too much of a perfectionist and planner, so I also want to work on being a bit more in the present. I started doing a bit of yoga, and I think it’s helped me quite a bit to just relax and not let everything get to me so much at the end of the day.

I want to take my education a bit more seriously, and really find my niche. It’s not like I was a slacker in college or in my current job, but I think I haven’t extended myself to the fullest. For instance, I’ve done biomedical research for over 3 years but I still haven’t found a field of study that I am truly passionate about and I think it’s prevented me from really diving deep. There is so much in terms of what I could pursue for my PhD, part of it is that there’s just a lot to choose from and I don’t want to limit myself. Biomedical research is incredibly exciting despite its current organizational and bureacreatic flaws.

I also want to develop a better relationship with my family. Of everyone in this world, your family members are truly the only people in this world who will love you unconditionally. I lived at home the last two years of college, and living independently has been a blessing. Being on a completely different coast from them though has made me want to be a better daughter and be more patient with my parents, and also get to know my brother more.

What are you most looking forward to in the time between now and the year’s end?

I rewarded myself after I got accepted to medical school with a 3-week vacation to Portugal. It’ll be my first time in Europe and I’m going solo. A lot of people tend to do trips all throughout Europe, but I really wanted to take the time to explore. It was really hard to pick one country; I looked into everywhere—Norway, Chile, Malaysia, New Zealand—but I ultimately decided on Portugal for a variety of reasons.

Could you share a piece of advice from your experiences (e.g. something that you thought about a lot during changes)?

Advice is difficult to give because everyone handles life differently. Like I said before, I really rely on perspective and humility. Just waking up and realizing it’s another day has helped me a lot. Every day I am given a chance to set aside what’s happened before. Sometimes that fresh perspective doesn’t work, and then I will resort to more immediate gratification, which is usually avocados and puppy pictures on Instagram. It’s really whatever will make you live life, not just get you through it.

Thank you for taking the time to share, Grace!