Blueprint Change: Deciding to return to grad school after taking a year off

An Interview with Eric Smith

The Basics

Age: 24

Location: New York

Current occupation: Student

Last school attended: Yale University
Biggest and/or most recent Blueprint Change*: Deciding to return to grad school after taking a year off
*A decision you made or something that happened largely or completely out of your control

Past

Could you elaborate on your Blueprint Change?

After graduating from college, I went straight into a PhD program in History. At the time, this seemed like an easy choice. I had always enjoyed studying history and had been doing my own research as an undergrad. And then, I was also lucky enough to get into a really good history program, which would give me access to some really great professors and resources.

But then, around fall of my sophomore year, I started to recognize that things weren’t really working out for me the way that I had hoped. I wasn’t really getting excited about the research, the program in general, or about studying history anymore. I was losing motivation to keep going with the program, to keep studying every day. So as a result, I began to question what I was doing there.

I thought things over for awhile and eventually decided towards the end of the sophomore semester that I was going to take some time off. So I finished up Spring Semester, I packed up my apartment, and I moved back to New Jersey to live with my parents. At the time, I didn’t really have a clear idea of what I was going to do for the year. I didn’t really know whether I was going to come back. I had this sense that I probably was, but everything was up in the air then.

It was a strange couple months, because – for the first time in awhile – I didn’t really have any structure. I didn’t really have any short or long term plans; everything was really uncertain.

Now, it’s been a little over a year, and I’m getting ready to go back to the program. A lot of things have changed. One thing that has changed is that I moved to NY with my girlfriend. I’ve also become an uncle. And, personally, one of the biggest changes that has happened for me in the last two years or so, has involved getting more in touch with my goals and desires and taking a more active approach to achieving those things.

Could you explain some more about what motivated this decision to go back to grad school?

A big part of my decision to go back [was a result of] stepp[ing] back and reflect[ing] on why I had started the program in the first place and why I had left over the past year.

 I came to a couple realizations with that. The first one was that I really entered the program without having a firm sense of purpose or direction. I didn’t really have a long-term plan or a short-term plan in doing this beyond the vague idea that after you get a PhD, you usually plan to go into academia. I really didn’t have any clearer sense of what I was going to do. And I think that contributed to the struggles I had in my second year of the program. I felt like I was doing the PhD, because it was easy choice. It was the logical choice in some ways, but I wasn’t doing it because it was something that I had really decided that I wanted to do. I didn’t spend enough time beforehand thinking about what I was going to do and how what I was doing would lead to larger, personal goals for the short term or for the long term.

Recognizing that [led to] broader changes in my approach. For example, I’ve tried to be more assertive and proactive in pursuing my goals. I’ve also tried to reflect more frequently about what those goals are. Those are things that went unspoken – that I didn’t think about or let be imposed by the situation I was in. In college, you are in classes, you know what’s expected of you, you do all the work, you get a good grade. Once I moved beyond that, that go-with-the-flow-attitude didn’t quite work in grad school. You had to set your own path a little bit more.

And in the past year, I’ve realized that that’s what I need to do and I’ve taken some steps to do that. Reflecting on all of this has helped me realize that what made me leave the program in the first place wasn’t that I didn’t like history; it was more that I didn’t feel as though I was in control of what I was doing. In control of my life and in control of my future. So I think [after] taking some time, I’ve been able to reconnect with what I really liked best about history – the learning, interpreting, discussing, and also teaching about people and events in the past that are very familiar and very different [at the same time]. Also, the excitement of discovery that comes with historical research is really remarkable. So yeah, I think I have a better sense of where I’m going with my studies, in the short term and in the long term.

What was the most challenging part of this change and how did you adapt?

I’d say it was getting myself to the point where I could take a step back and reassess everything that I was doing, how I had been approaching being in this graduate program. It was pretty difficult to do that, being caught up in the momentum of doing the same thing every day. I felt as though I had tunnel vision, as though I didn’t have enough hours in a day to do all the work that was expected of me and also reflect on these larger questions of what I wanted to do doing.

I also struggled with the decision to leave, because it kind of felt like a personal failure that reflected on me. I guess the other part of the challenge was getting to the point where I thought about taking this break as a learning experience, as an opportunity for personal growth, and not as a personal failure.

It’s easy to take these kinds of things personally, to conclude that your failures represent something inherent and unchangeable about you. I think that line of thinking is self-defeating, and that it’s important to think of your failures (and successes) as the product of a whole network of changing factors and circumstances. The point being that any outcome can become a learning experience, and that your path forward contains many possibilities.

Present

How do you feel about your Blueprint Change now?

I feel pretty good. There are definitely still challenges ahead though. I haven’t figured everything out. And who has, right?

I know that it’s a hard road ahead. It’s a tough life that I’ve chosen for myself. There are obviously a lot of books to read. There’s the bad job market to look forward to once I get out of it. But I think now I have a good idea of what I’m doing and I know that it’s something that is going to make me happy [at the end of the day].

Also, in that vein, I should add that I’m really grateful for all the support I’ve gotten from Eli, my girlfriend, and from my family. They have helped me get to the point where I feel better about this big Blueprint Change by helping me to talk and think through the big challenges.

And in the realm of changes in general - what are some Blueprint Changes you are most proud of?

I am proud that I’ve been able to remember what it is that I really like about studying history. There was certainly a point where I felt as not doing well was an indication that I wasn’t cut out for it, I wasn’t smart enough, I didn’t work hard enough, or I didn’t like History. I’m proud that I’ve been able to fight those insecurities and recognize that there were a lot of other factors holding me back while I was in the graduate program in the first two years.

If you feel overwhelmed with change(s) now, how do you adapt?

The first thing that I would do is take a step back and assess where I am, what this change is going to mean for me, and think about how I am going to balance going with the flow and being assertive and proactive [about going in the right direction].

The process of reflecting on that [is important] and one of the best ways to do that is to sit down and write about it, or to talk about it with other people – friends, family, loved ones. It is something that is very hard to do in isolation. A big part of adapting to overwhelming change is reaching out to the network of people who will support you.

Future

What sorts of Blueprint Changes would like to see happen in the future and why?

One thing is all of these changes I’ve talked about – they are all ongoing things; none of them have been accomplished. These are things you need to keep working on all the time. You need to keep working to, like you were saying earlier, re-evaluate your blueprint plan that you’ve made, because it is constantly changing. It’s organic.

More specifically for me, I’d like to get better at figuring out how to adapt my own goals to changing circumstances and figuring out how to manage that interface between the big Blueprint Changes and what I want to do myself. That’s a big question and working it out takes a lot of experience and perseverance.

What are you most looking forward to in the time between now and year end?

I go back to school in late August and one of the things that I’ll start doing is teaching. I’ll be a TA. I’ve never taught before so I’m a little nervous, but I’m really excited.

In the humanities, it can be very difficult to justify what you are doing, to answer the larger “so what?” question. I imagine people who do graduate work in any disciple encounter that too. One thing that teaching does is that it gives you a good answer to that question: by imparting your knowledge, some of the things that you’ve learned to a future generation, you are making a difference in the world outside of the academy. That’s something I’m really looking forward to.

Could you share a piece of advice from your experiences (e.g. something that you thought about a lot during changes)?

It’s very important to step back occasionally and reflect on where you are and where you are going. I’ve found that it’s easy to let inertia carry you forward through situations that may not be optimal for you and keep you in places that you may not want to be. So, taking the time to reflect on where you are makes it easier to break out of those situations and makes it easier to get yourself to pursue your goals more effectively.

Thanks for sharing, Eric! I'm excited to hear how the rest of the program goes! :)