An Interview with Mary Nunnenkamp
The Basics Age: 59
Location: Hillsboro, Oregon
Current occupation: Retired from Washington County, but actively volunteering with several non-profits
Last school attended: George Fox University (for graduate degree and as adjunct professor)
Biggest and/or most recent Blueprint Change*: Husband Randy’s death on June 6th, 2006
*A decision you made or something that happened largely or completely out of your control
Past
Could you elaborate on your Blueprint Change?
June 6th, 2006 – the day that Randy was killed – was the most significant Blueprint Change for me. To wake up that morning as a married woman and then to go to bed as a widow was not something that I had anticipated.
In the eight years since, I’ve been learning how much that loss impacted my brain. I’ve always considered myself to be fairly intelligent, but I couldn’t read a sentence in a book, go on to the next one, and remember the previous one. It has given me better insight to what trauma does, and I’ve worked in the field of trauma for a long time. I started my career in the 70s as a 911 dispatcher, dealing with trauma every day, and ended my career as a crime prevention officer and then a drug and alcohol prevention coordinator. I’ve been exposed to trauma for 35 years. So it was really fascinating for me to understand first-hand the impact of a hugely significant, traumatic event.
…and the impact it had on your life?
It took me about three years to get my clarity back to a comfortable level. And around that time, I decided that I would retire and pursue other opportunities. So from 2009, I just found [and worked on] things that I felt needed to have some attention paid.
For example, two police officers were killed in a bank bombing on December 12th, 2008, and I found out that the local community was holding garage sales to raise money for these families. But I thought, “That’s not sustainable, even in the short term.” Subsequently, my son and I created the Oregon Fallen Public Safety Officer license plate. We have about 3000 of these license plates out on cars now and all the proceeds from the plates are used to support police officers and firefighters killed in the line of duty. We support honor guard members, family and co-worker survivors, train honor guard members, and more. All of this from the license plate, so that we don’t have to count on someone having a garage sale. Building on that experience, I now work with other organizations. I help to organize events, memorials, and those kinds of things. Now, I’m off to Washington DC to spend some time working at the national level.What was the most challenging part of this change and how did you adapt?
I have a mental health degree, so I know the stages of grief, but the best thing I did to process my grief was becoming a support network for many, many survivors affected by law enforcement line of duty deaths.
As I helped others figure out their journey and path, I eventually got to the point where I said to myself, “Rather than asking ‘Why?, I should ask ‘Why not?’” [With that shift in thinking], I was able to put things into perspective; I was able to see that my little event in the universe was indeed a little event. And that – as much as I loved my husband, Randy – the universe had its own plan. As soon as I really, truly sat with the “Why not?” piece, there was a huge burden lifted from my heart. It gave my heart and my head a chance to connect with one another. My heart felt pain, but my head was able to process it.
It took about three years of really hard work before the two of them caught up. But when they did, it made a huge difference in how I viewed the world.
Present
How do you feel about your Blueprint Change now?
That’s an interesting question. As I was working on a police officer’s funeral last year, one of the volunteers said to me, “Mary, I know why your husband was killed.” And I have to tell you, I haven’t been able to figure that out, so I was intrigued that she knew. I thought, “This ought to be good.” So I said to her, “Okay, I give. Why?” And she said, “So that you would help so many other people.”
Now, what she meant wasn’t that the purpose of my husband’s death was for me to do these things. When people tell me that things happen for a reason, I reply, “No, I don’t think they happen for a reason, but I think we give reason to things that happen.” I don’t think Randy was killed so that I could go out and help other widows. But, I think that, to give reason to his death, I made it my life's purpose to help others. I think that was what she meant.
Today, I raise money for a lot of non-profits. We – my son, Brett, and I – started a non-profit after Randy was killed. We support youth in foster care and youth who are experiencing homelessness. We’re creating a jobs program for homelfess youth and helping young people get back to school. The things I’m doing don’t explain why Randy died, but I’m giving some purpose to it in his memory. Today, I find myself with an extended family of law enforcement and fire, extended family of grieving widows, and an extended family of folks in the non-profit world who are working with young people. It’s an area I dabbled in while working for the Washington County Sheriff’s Office and the Washington County Commission on Children and Families, but one that I’m now deeply ingrained in. That’s the most significant present change for me.And in the realm of changes in general - what are some Blueprint Changes you are most proud of?
When my brain was trying to process all the different changes, I lost control over my life – and I like to have control over things. The unhealthiest part of my grief process was not taking physical care of myself. I just didn’t have the heart and soul to care, frankly. Now, however, I’m at a place in my life where I am taking better care of myself. I’m very happy about that. I’m happy that I’m starting to look at myself as a whole person and not as an injured person.
If you feel overwhelmed with change(s) now, how do you adapt?
[I try to put things in perspective. Awhile back, for example,] I went in for a haircut and the stylist didn’t do anything that I wanted her to do. I came out with really short hair – my hair was so short, people thought I was sick – and I complained for weeks about it. It was unlike me, because after all it was only hair. Later though, when my son and I were traveling, we happened to stop at a small, mom and pop breakfast place near Seattle. We were having breakfast, when an elderly gentleman wearing his WWII veteran’s hat and his life partner or wife came in. They sit down, he takes his cap off, and you can see that he’s clearly fighting some serious illness. The woman opens up the lunchbox and pulls out 1, 2, 3, 4 bottles of medicine. I looked at this couple and I said, “Okay, I get the message, Universe. Why am I complaining about a haircut, what I call a first world problem?” So I summoned the waitress over and said, “Do me a favor, give me their bill.” I wanted to pay back the universe and tell it that I wasn’t going to complain about things like a haircut again. We need those reminders sometimes. We can get pretty immersed in our momentary challenges and forget to put those challenges into context. It takes a lot now – after Randy was killed – for me to get angry about things and I was reminded to put things in perspective again that day.
I also meditate and am mindful about what the day is going to present. I’m purposeful about what I do with the day. I think, “If this is my last day, I don’t want to have wasted it.” At 4:15pm on June 6th, 2006, my husband was killed. That was his last day. He didn’t know that was going to happen and I didn’t know that was going to happen. But it was his last day. So now I’m very keenly aware of how I spend my time. I hope I use it in a way that’s honoring to him and helpful to others.
Future
What sorts of Blueprint Changes would like to see happen in the future and why?
What I would absolutely love – and I’m now at a point where I feel secure enough to be searching for a new future – is to find a job in Washington DC. I want to help a non-profit raise money or help in any way I can. I’m at that point where I would like to see a different future and feel like I can go out and seek that. That’s what I’m going to try in a few weeks.
I’ve been back to D.C. for work events many times and [it holds a special place in my heart]. I was sent back for a law enforcement conference three weeks after 9/11; we were the first conference to go back into the city after the attacks. Randy and Brett came with me as tourists. The night after the first day of the conference, Randy, Brett, and I went to the Kennedy Center. We went to see high school kids put on a concert. It was fabulous. Afterwards, we went out onto the balcony to look at the beautiful city. We were pausing for a moment to be present in what was going on in the country and a couple walked up. They were taking photos, so I walked over and said, “Let me take a picture of the two of you together.” And as we chatted, I said, “Well, clearly, you were not born in the United States. Where are you from?” The woman replied, “We’re from London. We had originally planned to go to Australia for our vacation, but after this happened to the United States, we changed our plans. We decided to come here to show America our support and spend our money here.”
I just looked at this couple. Mind you, I was just at this conference where there was a lot of sadness about the police officers and firefighters that had been killed in the attacks. The five of us just stood on the balcony of the Kennedy Center hugging and sharing a very emotional moment. That moment is forever etched in my heart. I will never forget that. That’s what the city of Washington D.C. means to me. I’ve been drawn to that city since that day. And I think if I play my cards right, I’m going to make my dream come true.
What are you most looking forward to in the time between now and year end?For the first time in a very long time, I am excited about what the future holds. I’m excited about pursuing new dreams of living in a new city and making new friends.
I am getting control of my life in a way that feels very powerful. I like that I am putting my health and well being as a high priority. I’ve been downsizing my stuff to eliminate clutter. It feels good to have control again. I think that’s what it boils down to for me.
Could you share a piece of advice from your experiences (e.g. something that you thought about a lot during changes)?
[I think it’s also important to connect to others.] For example, when I talk to survivors at police or fire memorials, I talk about the year of firsts. People know that it’s hard when the first Christmas or the first Valentine’s Day rolls around, but there’s also the first time you didn’t have coffee with somebody, or the first time you had to figure out how to mow your own lawn because you hadn’t done that before, or the first time you had to go into an auto dealer to buy a car by yourself. All those little firsts, that no one really knows…those are huge. Those are very impactful on our ability to continue that path of managing our grief. We know – society knows – that a family is going to miss somebody on a birthday or a holiday, but we fail to connect to some survivors Every. Single. Day. So part of what I do now, is make sure that I connect. And if people would just make sure they take a moment to connect, the world would be a much different, much healthier place.
That’s the value and power of your blog. You taking the time to interview people and post their journey helps people to connect. There will hopefully be some little thing that I said here that someone can say, “Okay, I get that. Okay, that impacts me. And maybe I can help impact someone else.” It’s the ripple in the lake that can go forever. (Thanks, Mary! That is one of my motivators and I am honored to know that you see that!)
And thanks for taking the time to speak with me too! You're one of the strongest women I know and I admire how far you have come.
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